if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
