I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
