I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I supernannyed him into submission
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
