Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
