god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
