I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
