how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
