I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
