Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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