it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
