Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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