You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
