He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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