I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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