Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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