To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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