i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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