I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
