the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
