So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
