My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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