My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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