yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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