her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
