she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
