I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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