My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
