tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
