Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
