just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
