Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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