there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Two words: blizzard sex
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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