I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
