My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
