pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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