I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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