How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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