So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
