how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
