Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Boobs speak an international language.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
