if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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