Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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