I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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