What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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