I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
