I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
