i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
