she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
