just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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