You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
