I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
